I didn't write anything to commemorate year 2009, and I have nothing new to say (aka: resolution) for year 2010. I just wonder can I leave everything behind and move on.
Okay, I wrote something, but didn't published. You know, there are times when you got lots to write, but when you look through that entry, you know you can't publish that. It's too personal. =)
25th birthday includes a few simple affairs with friends over some lunches and dinners. Nothing fanciful, but I love it that way. As we grow, we start to get busy on our own stuffs, and don't have the time to meet up with the dear friends who we once shared our lives so closely with. Birthday celebration is one good reason to gather around, and have a massive update about one another life. Frankly speaking, birthdays become less and less of an affair each year as I grow older. To me, it's just another day of the month. I would like to think that that’s because I have slowly come to learn more and more about life.
Pitstops.
Yes. Birthdays become more like pitstops, markings which highlight each different juncture of your life at constant intervals and which tell you to stop for a while to have a rethink, about the past, about the past one year. You know, it's like a cycle.
It's hard not to think of the past sometimes, I keep wondering was i like this always or was it only the recent years? Yesterday I went for a spin cause I was having a serious insomia. And I came up with many thoughts.
I thought about the old days. I sometimes still think about drinking graveyard while going clubbing with Darren, cause that's one of the cheapo drink to get high when I was younger (and I haven't touch on that for at least half a decade). An classic example of the random thoughts that are wandering in my mind these days. Small, insignificant moments I once shared with people I loved, and still love. But it's not like there's anything I can do. That's gone. Those days aren't coming back. There are many times where there are people entering your life, and people leaving, it's like a cycle.
I thought I was just unhappy. And then I realized I'm just a little sad and it's also like a cycle. You know people get unhappy at times, and then overjoyed on the next, just like a cycle. I felt like crying for a person, felt like crying for my father, for my friends, for my lost new year, for 2009. What was 2009 anyway? It felt like it was the split of past and present, that there were so many significant moments but all i can remember is the slow passing of days, like there was no future. And it was like a low humming through time. And I just thought that the whole reason we need to keep moving forward be filled with jobs and work and study and goals is so we don't ever have to stop and seep through the empty brain and heart.
I thought about my parents too. I thought no matter how much my parents love me, how much my dad was good and kind to me, I still decided to leave after his countless objections. I don't know when I'll ever be this constant part of their lives again, that they were with me through my first steps and days but I'll be gone soon for a good 18 months. But I guess they have Bryce now, and even many more grandchildren soon when brother gets marry this year. Eventually, I will come back, I will get marry, I will bore them some grandchildren too. But it' seems different.
Mum always told me how Bryce's little action looks like my sister, my brother or even me. But I look at that little fellow, he's an unique hyperactive boy on his own, nothing that looks significant like his parents or his uncles except maybe some genetic trademarks. I discovered she is trying to reminiscence those moments when my brother, sister and I were still kids. When we were were younger, when we still won't talk back to her, when we wouldn't disappear from her eyes for more then a minute.
But those days were gone. Just gone and thought if they slowed down and thought about it, it'll be kind of sad. I hate to think about the future, hate to think about they aging, hate to have the idea of them leaving me in a few decades time. I wish that time would stop at this moment, when things never change again.
But the reality is real, that nothing really stays with you forever. It's like a cycle. People coming to the world, people leaving the world.
Before this cycle ends, I would do my best to love them.
Cause they are nothing, but the love of my life.
