A note to self

Third month.
Still feeling surreal.
I think I quite like it here.
The quietness in particular.
And. The freedom.



Third month.
Feeling a little homesick.
I think I miss the family quite a bit.
Little sugar in particular.
And. Everyone else.



Third month.
Feeling a little lost touch.
I think I miss Jun and our JB outings; butt and her messages; Hao and his love affairs.
Friends in particular,
And. The bond we used to have.



Third month.
Feeling a little independent.
I think I grow up a little this period.
Nothing in particular.
But. The whole process of doing things without lovely mum.



Pictures. My house. My virgin cooking. My trip to Washington. My trip to Baltimore. My first hike in USA.

My house. Most things are second handed. Except my bed. =)

My virgin cooking. And it tastes marvellous.

Washington DC during Cherry Blossom.

Baltimore in the morning.

Baltimore at night.

PS: Family and friends are missed. Badly.

真实感

两天了，却还有点梦幻的feel。
觉得这一切都有点不真实的感觉。。。

走前， 恨不得时间快点到来。
走后， 却有点想家的感觉。

想妈妈煮的汤。
想老豆好好抱的肚子。
想姐姐的关心。
想哥哥的互相吵闹。
想小勋勋的可爱模样。

这里的一切都还好。
地方， 有点 countryside。
人， 很友善。
车， 还可以handle.
STRAT peopke 还相处的融洽。

希望这18个月是一个很好的学习机会。。。

About gatherings and us

This week saw me meeting up with the people I loved for some farewell lunches, dinners, etc. And seriously, I will definitely miss their presences... =(

And such gatherings always makes me feel so old. Haha...

I'm actually amazed by how the topics we chatted about today is so different from what it used to be many many years ago. Long long time ago, all of us were worrying about O levels, thinking that's the most important thing in the world. Then we started to ponder, pondering about what course we should take in polytechnic or which junior college to go to... Then about six to eight years back, we started to mug hard together so that we can have grades that were good enough for us to make it into a good university together (after our grades fall tremendously for joining camps). Eventually, most of us didn't get into the same university, but we had and shared our army greens and university blues....

Yet in the blink of an eye, the girls had graduated and the boys were "officially men"... Our topic then changed to careers and love. And then soon after, we, these bunch of bankers, army officers, lab officers, researchers started to talk about marriage. And now, some of us are father, mother or parent-soon-to-be.

It's amazing isn't it? Looking at the things we had went through together, and the things we are going through together now. I thank you peeps for sharing your lives with me. Like what Sam said yesterday, " Few years later, we will have our gathering in IKEA, so that the kids can play the play ground there". You know it's so funny and yet so scary to learnt that we are already grown ups. =)

And growing up is no fun. =)

Countdown

9 more days and I'm far from being ready. I haven't buy a happy green coloured luggage bag yet though I've been planning for like months. Samsonite green 29" one is damn chio can but it is far too expensive. =( so I guess I will settle for other green alternatives. heh.

I was waiting impatiently for this training to start, but as the time draws nearer, I start to develop some withdrawl symptoms... especially when I'm so emotionally drawn to little Bryce these few months.

The flight changes to 12th March instead of 13th March, which make it a friday. Many friends who promised to sent me, might not be able to make it due to work when I broke to them the news today. One even got exam lo! lol. But peeps, it's okay =) I guess it's better off this way... At least the chances of me crying at the airport will be smaller, hahaha. My mum could be a potential threat for me to open my water tap though. She cried as if I'm-leaving-forever-loh when I confirmed the date with her the other day.

I can't really describe how I feel now...

Nervous? A little.

Excited? YesH!

Happy.? Yup. =)

With a tinge of 舍不得? I guesss so. Would definitely miss my folks, my silbings and the lovely friends.

9 more days to go. Shrugs.

Predicted Typical Questions for CNY 2010

CNY 2007
Q1. Ah boy, so big now ah. What are you doing now?
A1: I am now studying in NUS.
Q2: NUS ah, I see i see. What course?
A2: Life Sciences. *a fucking fake smile*
Q3: I see. Got girlfriend not?
A3: Don't have leh. *smile*

CNY 2008
Q1: Wow, ah boy, become an adult liao ah. What you doing now?
A1: Oh *with a damn fucking fake smile*, I'm schooling at NUS.
Q2: I see i see... NUS like not bad hor. (I replied: okie lah). So what course you taking?
A2: (Oh yeah, fuck u, as if u care) *faking another smile*, I'm taking Life Sciences in NUS.
Q3: Life Sciences like not bad hor, got girls in school not? Got "yao hao" ones?
A3: Haha, got lah my course got quite a few pretty ones, but biz and arts got more pretty girls. Haha, no leh.

CNY 2009
Q1: Ah boy, wow getting "bigger" huh. So old liao, what you doing now?
A1: Ohhh, haha, I am now in NUS.
Q2: I see I see. What course huh?
A2: Life Sciences. *Zzzzzzz, oh yeah* I'm majoring in Biomedical Sciences. *fake smile*
Q3: Not bad hor, Life sciences is like the "in" thing hor? Anyway got girlfriend now not?
A1: (Yeah right, after the "life science conundrum, you tell me is good?!?!) *faking the-most-fake-smile-of-the-year( No lah, no girlfriend. =)

Lukily this year, I graduated. =)

CNY 2010

Predicted Q1: Wow ah boy, getting bigger and bigger and bigger huh. What you doing now?
My pre-planned A1: I just graduated. Found a job. Starting in March (Yes, yours truly finally graduated. Thanks for "asking" me this three years).
Predicted Q2: I see I see. What school you graduated from? What industry you in now?
My pre-planned A2: I graduated from NUS with a degree in Biomedical Sciences. I will be working in the pharmaceutical industry soon (how many fucking times you need to ask huh? One day I will tell you that I work as a pimp so that you can remember it for life).
Predicted Q3: I see. Pharmaceutical Industry earns big bucks hor. Got girlfriend now not?
My pre-planned A3: *faking the-most-fake-smile-for-the-year-again* Hai hao lah, I'm fresh graduate (please do not compare me with your son who is now working in bank, or/and your daughter who is now working in the petrochemical company and has 13 months bonus). *faking the-next-most-fake-smile-of -the year*No leh, I'm still single. (and I spent my Valentine Day with my dad, mum, sister, brother, brother-in-law, and nephew and SOME OF YOU in Chu Yi).

And the same old story will repeat the year after. -_-"

Superficial questions. Superficial answers. Superficial me. Superficial relatives which I seen only once a year (or a few more if there's weddings or funerals). If anyone of them can remember what I told them a year ago, I can go and buy 4D. =) Cause I will probably strike first prize.

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The idea of having steamboat and playing blackjack for the whole night with the siblings and cousins make me smile though. Red underwear, red bra, no underwear, two oranges in front of the table. I wonder what they can come up with this year. =) It is never the earnings that matters... It is like a bunch of grown up kids having a yearly gathering, appreciate one another presences, reminiscence those days when we have weekly gatherings at ah ma's house. The thrill of winning one another, trying to find lame ideas to ke the biggest winner or dealer make it marvellous.

I'm getting myself a red boxer. Period.

Pre-Working Status

Sleepless night (cause i slept for more-then-enough-hours-to-call-it-a-day prior to that). *Counting the days on the calendar before it marks 15th March 2010* 47 more days more, and that's it!!! =)

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NO WAIT, 47 DAYS MORE???

Agrhhhh. Sigh. If only the program is on Feb as scheduled... Isnt it a little too late for me to get a temp job now???? =(

I'm like having a taste of retirement even before I start working. This break seems to get a little boring. Haha, and I can't imagine myself retiring 37 years down the road (that's is if I work till 62). This kind of life is really toOoOooOooo monotonous!!!

Okay, I'm not actually complaining, if by then I have a nice house by the sea, a Volkswagen to drive, a garden to grow some durian trees (yeah right!), a one-room sized built in wardrobe with lots of branded clothings, and strike enough lotteries and 4Ds to go travelling every year...

Okay, I am complaining now cause these are FAT HOPEs!

I just did a 5 years plan, like I usually did at every 5 years intervals, like when I was 10, 15, 20 and now. And the plan is *empty*.

I know nuts of how I should proceed my life with... I'm not ambitious enough to make it big... I'm not positive enough to think that everyday-is-a-beautiful-day... I'm not thinking about getting hitched since I have no gf yet... I'm not thinking about having kids since I have no wife yet... So I reckon that there's nothing much in my life from 26-30 years old as compared with some fellow same aged man.

Okay this is a lousy random entry. On an even more random note, Kris called and said that, "Shawn, you have a damn good life now huh!". *middle finger to that best buddy!* Haha, and man, better meet up soon huh! =)

Signed off to the pool.

逃离

很多人都觉得我很幸福。。。有一个疼爱我的家庭, 大学毕业后又找到一份还算不错的工作, 可能除了一分真挚的爱情, 人生也没什么好渴求的了。。。 从客观的立场来说, 这些人说的没错, 我确实有一家让我疼爱万分的亲人, 也有一群永远守在我身边的“猪朋狗友”, 还有一个未尝试的工作等着我 去摸索。

但他们对了吗?
我只能说人生有许多的无可奈何吧。昨晚与友人聊天，他说我正在逃离, 也许会有出国做工的念头就是为了逃避。。。 (认识他那么多年， 他总能看出一些“常在我心深处”的“心事”吧。 宇， 你这个死老友没白交啦)！他说得没错，我正在逃离, 正在逃避 。。。

逃离? 逃避? 逃开什么。。。?

逃离家人的“十万个为什么”? 逃避对未来的“渴望与恐惧”? 逃开对人生该有的“喜怒哀乐”, “悲欢离合”? 我想我自己也说不上来吧 。。。

逃离是为了要正面去面对，
面对生命中的不可承受之轻。
逃离日常的, 必要的, 重复的，
试着去找回那颗清明的心。

沉澱是献给我们自己最好的礼物，
静静地待在心中的那个角落。
悲伤， 哭泣， 软弱全都在这里，
这是属于自己的秘密角落。

单独是逃离与沉澱最好的朋友，
独自一人， 什么也不做， 什么也不想。

才不管外界的热闹与喧哗，兴高采烈地向自己招手，
独自地品味享受这一路上的精彩，
聆听自己内心真正的朋友。
聆听自己内心真正的自我。

三月要来了。人生的下一个阶段也将要开始。
我会开心吗？ 我会幸福吗？
选择踏上这条不归路是正确的？
选择逃离这现实的城市是正确的？

幸福, 真的在下一站吗?

I'm sorry

Few days ago, a good friend called and said I've been neglecting her.
Jokingly she might sound, but it hit me hard.
I do not know how to reply,
But a sense of guilt filled up in my brain in that twink second.

Do . I. always . neglect . people . ?

I used to have many friends at certain stages in life.
Some of whom I held dearly to.
But as the show ended, the chapter closed,
These nice little friends start to leave my world.

I manage to keep a few,
But I lost plenty.
Is it just my fault for not taking initiative?
Or is it both parties?

Sometimes I really don't know.
But it seems like i am enclosing myself in a little bubble.
Messages received but I didn't replied.
Phone calls missed but I didn't returned.

Friendship could be taken so lightly?!?!

No, I appreciated friends.
But I guess friendship is just like any relationship.
Like love relationship.
Like kinships.

Like sands in the hand.
If you held the sands too tight,
they will dropped off between the holes of your finger.
If you held them too loose.
You will lost them as well.

I think, there should be a balance.
A balance? But who can define balance?
Sometimes, things lost cannot be return.
Love over cannot be rekindle.
The same applies to friendships too.

I'm sorry to those who think I neglected them.
I will try my best not to, anymore.
For those I've already lost,
Goodbye, and do take care.

Sad? Yes Iam.

But eventually,
I know the good friends will still be here, with me.
And I will still be there, with them.
It just a matter of some others that I have already lost.

I know friendship need two hands to clap. You know?
Sorry babe. I'm claping with you now.

=)

下一站，幸福

A song I like from 下一站，幸福. Nice.

It came to a point when things are getting mundane and I basically do the same old things over and over again. Sleep-eat-out-sleep-eat-poo-sleep-eat-out. Aimless. Sometimes, I do appreciated this little break with a good book on hands, siting in the cafe alone with a nice cuppa. Friends are busily studying or working. Babies on the strollers are busily crying. Cars on the roads are busily moving. Tourists in the streets are busily snapping (pictures). And I seems to be the only one in the world doing nothing.

Life gets a litte bored here, so I decided to engaged myself into a series of Taiwanese Idol drama (agaiN!). 海派甜心 and 下一站，幸福 are equally good; and I wonder what's next.

March is coming in two months. Looking forward and yet wish that it won't be here so soon. Weird thinking; weird me.

下一站我会努力的找我的幸福, 希望你也一样。。。

Beautiful People, Beautiful World

Just a thought.

Life is always full of ups and downs. In the past, no matter what I did, I'm always hurt by something immaterial that stands in the way. A thing called obstacle. But today, I tried to learn; to encounter that obstacle, overcome it, and be a better man. And tomorrow, I will live positively, open my heart and soul to welcome new beautiful things in life. Work, people, friends, etc. I will no longer be that lost man that live with agony and hatred, jealousy and regrets. If I ever be such a new person, I believe that the world will be a more beautiful place to live in. Even the sun will smile back to me. =)

Anyways,

Yesterday was hell fun!!! It has been a long time since I enjoyed myself so much, so wholeheartedly. True friends make wonders. We laughed like nobody biz, talked without filtering through the brain (and heart), and MJ-ed till dawn broke. Hahas, thanks for the facial masks, pineapple tarts, taiyang bing, ocarina from Taiwan. I love them.


Smile, and the whole world will smile back at you.

End of the year. Start of the year. It's like a cycle.

I didn't write anything to commemorate year 2009, and I have nothing new to say (aka: resolution) for year 2010. I just wonder can I leave everything behind and move on.

Okay, I wrote something, but didn't published. You know, there are times when you got lots to write, but when you look through that entry, you know you can't publish that. It's too personal. =)

25th birthday includes a few simple affairs with friends over some lunches and dinners. Nothing fanciful, but I love it that way. As we grow, we start to get busy on our own stuffs, and don't have the time to meet up with the dear friends who we once shared our lives so closely with. Birthday celebration is one good reason to gather around, and have a massive update about one another life. Frankly speaking, birthdays become less and less of an affair each year as I grow older. To me, it's just another day of the month. I would like to think that that’s because I have slowly come to learn more and more about life.

Pitstops.

Yes. Birthdays become more like pitstops, markings which highlight each different juncture of your life at constant intervals and which tell you to stop for a while to have a rethink, about the past, about the past one year. You know, it's like a cycle.

It's hard not to think of the past sometimes, I keep wondering was i like this always or was it only the recent years? Yesterday I went for a spin cause I was having a serious insomia. And I came up with many thoughts.

I thought about the old days. I sometimes still think about drinking graveyard while going clubbing with Darren, cause that's one of the cheapo drink to get high when I was younger (and I haven't touch on that for at least half a decade). An classic example of the random thoughts that are wandering in my mind these days. Small, insignificant moments I once shared with people I loved, and still love. But it's not like there's anything I can do. That's gone. Those days aren't coming back. There are many times where there are people entering your life, and people leaving, it's like a cycle.

I thought I was just unhappy. And then I realized I'm just a little sad and it's also like a cycle. You know people get unhappy at times, and then overjoyed on the next, just like a cycle. I felt like crying for a person, felt like crying for my father, for my friends, for my lost new year, for 2009. What was 2009 anyway? It felt like it was the split of past and present, that there were so many significant moments but all i can remember is the slow passing of days, like there was no future. And it was like a low humming through time. And I just thought that the whole reason we need to keep moving forward be filled with jobs and work and study and goals is so we don't ever have to stop and seep through the empty brain and heart.

I thought about my parents too. I thought no matter how much my parents love me, how much my dad was good and kind to me, I still decided to leave after his countless objections. I don't know when I'll ever be this constant part of their lives again, that they were with me through my first steps and days but I'll be gone soon for a good 18 months. But I guess they have Bryce now, and even many more grandchildren soon when brother gets marry this year. Eventually, I will come back, I will get marry, I will bore them some grandchildren too. But it' seems different.

Mum always told me how Bryce's little action looks like my sister, my brother or even me. But I look at that little fellow, he's an unique hyperactive boy on his own, nothing that looks significant like his parents or his uncles except maybe some genetic trademarks. I discovered she is trying to reminiscence those moments when my brother, sister and I were still kids. When we were were younger, when we still won't talk back to her, when we wouldn't disappear from her eyes for more then a minute.

But those days were gone. Just gone and thought if they slowed down and thought about it, it'll be kind of sad. I hate to think about the future, hate to think about they aging, hate to have the idea of them leaving me in a few decades time. I wish that time would stop at this moment, when things never change again.

But the reality is real, that nothing really stays with you forever. It's like a cycle. People coming to the world, people leaving the world.

Before this cycle ends, I would do my best to love them.

Cause they are nothing, but the love of my life.

GOOD OLD FRIENDS

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. They are called friends.

Met up with some good old friends yesterday, and on Sunday. On both occassions, we had simple dinners, and lazy cuppa sessions that followed. There were massive updates about lives. Ah, simple affairs like these made a happy Sean. =) I am amazed how most of us changed over the years, of course "to be a better man (or woman)".

There are people in my life who give me comfort when the going gets tough, as it invariably does. I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on. They will lift me up when I fall, they will hold me in their arms as I cry and tell me everything is going to be okay. Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere. I'm lucky to have a few priceless diamonds in my life. =)

Three months from now, some of us will be leaving. To Australia. To USA. To finding our own place in the world. One old buddy once asked me, "Will we still be as close as ever when you come back 18 months later?" Sounds mushy for two big guys to feel that way. Hahas. But, there's magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart...

As we're all still either striving for a good career or mugging hard in school; trying to blend into the society as we cursed; trying to look for a ideal spouse or trying to maintain a good relationship with a partner; we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, the few of us will come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends (coz it would never happens). I'm lucky to have them, and I know I will still have them when the world finds me nuisance.

There are some points in time, where friends are spread apart due to different things in lives to accomplish. As we are all trying to find our little space in the world, no matter how far the distance is, no matter how long we have never meet, no distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are truly persuaded of each other's worth.

This entry is to remind myself. Of them, of their worth, if I ever forget them someday.

And I bet, I will not. =)

Graduation Class 2009

Current Mood: Peaceful
Current Song: Friends Forever by Vit C followed by 細水長流

Warning: This is going to be a damn long entry.

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?

Can we survive it out there?

Can we make it somehow?

I guess I thought that this would never end

And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?

Will these memories fade when I leave this town

I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on

We remember

All the times we had together

And as our lives change

Come Whatever

We will still be Friends Forever

"To accomplish great things, we must not only dream, but also act; not only plan, but also believe." From the moment I threw the motarboard onwards, I told myself I shall dream, act, plan and believe. That's the key to success as I motivated myself. Student life is officially over, and I'm looking forward towards the next stage of life with excitement, curiousity and a tinge of nervousness. I will figure out what I want, yeps.

That day was an interesting day. With tonnes of emotions mixing up at the same time when I went up on stage. That day, I started to miss school; the science library that I spent 14 hours everyday during the examination weeks, those lecture halls that I entered late most of the time, the people I met, the lecturers that I have lovehate relationship with... I'm missing it all.

Doc He actually texted me that day upon I graduated, "Hey Big guy, take care and I know you are going to make it big in the near future". Haha, it was heartwarming to receive that sms (minus the word "big guy"). I'm not sure am I going to make it big in the future, but I'm really touched and delightful to receive such blessing, especially when the road in front of me is still blurry and unclear. At least, he gave me a feel of assurance.

Photos:

My first group of laboratory friends, and we spent the next three years together.

Parents.

Alvin Tay (my uncle), Alvin's Tay Father (my granduncle), my folks and I. Very messy relationship indeed.

Weijie - The handsome boy, who I got to know through Thomas. We started to talk, and eventually we shared secrets.

The Tay boys. Alvin and Thomas are just like twins.
(They are damn alike, if you know what I mean. )

Alvin Tay - My uncle, who shares my troubles, who drives me out for supper, who is never late for lectures and who wipes his girlfriend's mouth using his hankerchief after meal. Aww sweet.

Thomas Tay - As sensitive as me as said by many. A good friend to talk to, a good study buddy of mine, a good leader in projects. But his words are never that convincing. Haha.

Microbiology peeps!

Peiyan - my lend-notes-buddy (1), my poly friend Peishan's sister, my chitchat 38, my gossip buddy, my BITCH!

Elyana - who I thought was so like Ivy Liu Jingfen, character wise.

Zhen Xiao Mei - My lend-notes-buddy (2), my hot tempermental sis, my lab partner for Molecular Genetics, project buddy, mj buddy, and the list goes on.

Tong ah tong - My lend-notes-buddy (3), and whose mum likes me wor. Haha. My best lab partner who is easy going and temper-less (that was before she got attached, opps).

PS: Without this three lend-notes-buddies, I will probably fail a few modules. Haha.

Kendrick - Mr Teacher-to-be. And dude, you wanna change girlfriend? Haha.

Jo Jo Joanna - One of my closest female friend among the OG. She's smart, she's damn white, she's hawt!

Pamela - haha who almost quarrelled with me over a bottle and a chair before I knew her. LoL. The library gang who eats chicken chunks olio every other day...

Joey! - Mr Nice boy who is cute and from the same camp as me.

Nixie - who is freaking tall in real. A fan of DBSK, and who eyes always looks around PREYING for hawt people using his "attena". Good luck for your summer sem dude!

Ho Teck - the doctor to be.

And Yuanhao (my secondary, and poly friend, and supposedly uni mate in Queensland) came for my graduation unintentionally. For he is the future brother in law of Lois, who happens to my project mate in Bioinformatics.

The throwing-motarboard gang! My very disgraceful moment, cause my motarboard went sideway, passed through some plants, a couple of stairs and landed on some floor 20m away. Haha.

That's it. My graduation day, my undergraduate years. To the friends I met for the three years, good luck for your future endeavour. Live on with your dreams, and live life to the fullest. We might not be meeting up as often as before due to work commitment, but if we give in wholeheartedly for the friendships, an heart to heart bonding is definitely more precious then physical bonding. Good luck peeps.

The route in front of me may seems unclear, but I'm lucky to have a few months to think through it. I love this little break as I told butt the other day. I don't feel as pessimistic as before, and at least now I got the time to figure what I want.

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Met up with a few old friends these days. Feel good that the feeling is still the same after not meeting up for so long.

On Wednesday, met up with Kok Guan, Poh Soo, and Butt. Sent off KG the brother at the airport. The dinner session at the Thai restaurant was short but heartwarming. It's nice talking to them and update one another about our own lives. We used to have the same mentalities when we were young. Our topics usually involved talking about what we gonna do upon graduating from Ngee Ann, gossiping about the happenings between the polytechnic friends, fight hard for the same project etc. And now, all of us are living with different aims in lives, living in different parts of the world, but yet the frienship is still as strong as ever. Good luck bro, I will see you in a year time... =)

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On Thursday, met up with Yuanhao together with Hao and Jun. We started to reminiscence those NPCC days in secondary days, those waiting-for-one-another-to-finish-lecture polytechnic days. Haha. And now, this boy has matured and found an aim in life. For he's going to take up Ph.D in Queensland, and is working on some mosquito vectors... Good luck future Doc. GoH!

A not so prepared shot.

Boys.

With Yuanhao's girlfriend.
Loi's sister, Priscillia (see above, graduation photos).

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On Friday, met up with the boys. Went for a nice Zi Char as recommended by GL, following by a nice chill out at cafe de mar. It's nice sitting by the beach talking to them, talking about future, about relationships, about investments, about everything under the stars...

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On Saturday, met up with butt, Kris and Irene. Celebrated Irene's birthday at a Japanese buffet restaurant in Riverside Hotel. Chill out at Barracks. Nice meeting up.

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On Sunday, I woke up pretty much late at around 2pm, had a bowl of Wanton mee, skipped the planned swim session with the best friend, and sat down in front of the computer and looked back into some old entries found in this blog. I had a great laugh with some incidents that happened these three years. I had my shares of fun, and I had my shares of sorrow as well.

As heard from a friend's friend, he thinks that blogging is just a way of being "wayang", a way to catch attention. Simply put, he thinks that blogging is kindda dumb. For me, I think that blogging is a way to vent my anger, a way of communicating with friends who I can't meet but want to share my life with, a self reminder about the things that once played a very signifcant part in my life (just in case I lost those fond or sad memories I once had).

About dreams. I once fall hard. Reality has once caused me to hide away all my hopes and dreams away, but as I looked back into the thoughts I once penned down on this blog, it keeps me motivated to find back the real meaning of life again. These days, I've been setting aside time to clear a little space in the corners of my mind, so as to fill up the dreams I once had.

About friends. I lost contacts with many friends, lost the feelings I once shared with some dear ones. But as I looked back into the parties, gatherings, celebrations we once had, I feel much close with them, all over again.

About school. I so hate school as I kept broadcasting on this blog. But as I looked back into those entries, I had a great laugh. Am I really that pathetic back then??? Haha. As I threw the motarboard the other day, all these sad memories has became fond ones. One day, I will miss NUS, and I know I will...

About blogging. As I am typing the last few sentences on this entry, I know I will be missing this blog in the future. But I am determined to end this blog with this last entry. It marks the end of my undergraduate years which I had a lovehate relationship with. One day, I might be blogging again but on a new blog... Till that day comes, I will find my aims towards life...

Goodbye..

A thought.

Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Song: 我不是你想像那麼勇敢 by 梁文音
Current Read: My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

There are many times I tried to make things work,
But things just don't work the way I want it to be.
I'm not complaining;
Just that I has started to understand the word "reality".

It matters alot to me,
At least at that point of time.
At least at that stage of life.
And now, it doesn't seems to matter anymore.

People makes mistake.
I made it once.
A major one that create a different destiny to my life.
My life shouldn't be like that.

I keep telling myself I shan't brood over it.
Is not my fault, neither yours.
But before I keep this memories away and hide it away it some corners of my brain,
Let me finish this entry.

I so hate it.
Hate it hate it hate it.
I so regret it.
Regret till the max.

If only I could go back,
Till the time when I made this decision.
I might be a happier man than what I am of today.
Im sorry. To you, to your future.

And now, I shall look forward to the next stage of my life.
I shall tell myself to fuck care the past,
And look upon the future.
I promise. I promise.

From this day onwards. Yes today.
I shall live life positively.
Like the way I used to.
I miss that old me.
But is okay, cause old Shawn is back.

I'M BACK!!!

PS: I might not blog again on this blog. It tells too many sad stories. Perhaps I shall end it with the end of my undergraduate life... That is, the convocation.

1 more day left till convocation. =)

Socializing...

Current Mood: Confused
Current Song: I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie
Current Read: My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

I am back here blogging after weeks of so called "blogger-block". My so called "live life to the fullest" life has been uneventful ever since I joined army three weeks ago.

Speaking about the weekdays, I wake up at 0545hrs every morning, book in camp at 0745hrs and out of camp at 1730hrs on a daily basics, reach home at bout 1930hrs every evening and sleep at bout 2200hrs every night. The back and forth journey from Nee Soon Camp is driving me nuts. It's just crazy. Seriously, I have the thoughts to ask for a stay-in, but I didn't eventually. You know, I can't be that dumb afterall. Haha.

Met up with the boys last Friday. Japanese buffet dinner at Hanabi, the walk to Dempsey from Serene Centre, the coffee session at Barracks, wooooooo I really love that. Just a simple affair but its heartwarming. 12 years friendship and still counting on... That day we were discussing about how different we were, but yet how we managed to click. Some are more egoistic, and some are more accomodating, that's why we can blend in to one another. And that stupid GL even commented that I am accomodating on the outside, but definitely not that on the inside! Put it simple: "Act act only lah!!!". Haha. Generally, I would have agreed to their initial plans, but then will start to curse and swear them when their suggestions turn out to be lousy. Don't get me wrong, Im not that demanding... Just that in front of them and many other close friends (who u know who u are), I do not need to put up a fake smile, do not need to show my best behaviour, do not need to say the politically correct answers. I can just sit back, relax and keep quiet and not worrying that they might think I am anti-social or angry. They know I am probably daydreaming somewhere to my lalaland.

Hence, I actually hate social events/big group outing at times whereby I have to wear a fake smile, show how friendly I am, give the very politically correct answers, or making all the effort to crack up in a conversation which I'm not interested in. Cause probably I am an old eccentric man who need to be alone at times. Read: LONER. (meaning) a person who avoids or does not actively seek human interaction or prefers to be alone. There are many reasons for solitude, intentional or otherwise, and "loner" implies no specific cause. Yet contrary, part of me just love to socialize, meet more people, have more parties and just simply have more fun. Sounds like I have dissociative identity disorder, or simply put.. Splilt personality... No?!

Nonetheless, July would be fun fun fun. Cause it's SEAH MUIHUI, aka hua hua, alias Florrie, my butt, my buddy, my best-gal-friend-forever's birthday month!!! Haha, tks for the stuffs from Hongkong babe! I love them all, esp the red wine! *Slurps*In addition, bro KG is back from New Hamsphire and PoH will be back from Canada! Double the people, double the fun! Haha. Last but DEFINITELY not the LEAST, a belated birthday dinner for IRENE CHAN AI LING, who is forever too busy to meet us. =(

116 days left to go... =)

Current life has been great!!!

Current Mood: Feeling easy
Current Song: I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Life after results released has been great and easy. I learnt how to appreciate life once again. Reading a good book in the cafe with a nice cuppa could have sum up my whole day now. Haha, I became so free that I feel so strange, as if there is something amiss or whatsoever. Haha, I guess I am too traumatized with studies these three years.

This whole week saw me tanning in the pool, WII-ing with the brother, meeting up buddies for dinners and suppers, and/or playing with little Bryce all day long. That little fellow learnt how to poo in the pail already. Haha. I'm amazed by his new actions everyday. While other babies played with toys, he played with live ants using his little fingers. Not killing them though, but just trapped them somehow. I can't really describe how he did that, but it's so amusing. Another occassion was he saw this pretty girl in the MRT train, and he jumped from my sister's towards her... Haha, this little rascal might be a playboy 18 years down the road.

Want my poo poo?

Brother has been a wonderful playmate/movie buddy/quarrel bastard from young till now. Haha, and on thursday we got so boliao that we actually watched a trilogy of movies. Not those common movies like The Lord of Rings, nor Harry Potters!!! It was this 僵尸先生 Part I - III from the 1980s. Haha, it reminds me so much about my childhood years, and surprisingly we can even remembered some of the scenes. Haha.

Haha, mum thinks we are crazy to spend six hours in front of the TV, but she got hooked up soon when calling us to sleep... In the end, dad and her watched the last episode with us. Haha. I love the family so muchie. =) Called up MINDEF to resume my service, but they said the adminstrative work might take 6 weeks. -_-" Meantime, I shall relax and continue my little six weeks break. =)

A hour left.

I actually ordered for the graduation robe at the very last minute before the system shut down at 12pm today. Haha, perhaps it shows how much that I do not want to graduate. Anyway, results going to be out in a hour time and I'm so not going to care about it. Aiyah, say say only lah! I am hoping for the best lah since its the last semester. I want to see at least 5 As. Dream on! FAT-ASS hope.

Yup, I'm back from Taiwan. And the first thing that welcome me was this Singaporean-chao-ah-gua that cut Christine and my queue when we were queuing for passport verification at the immigration counter. How irony it is when none of the Taiwanese pissed me off during these 14 days, but the very next moment I was in my country, I was make pissed. Then again, I should get used to the self centered lifestyle here.

Today marks the end of my school life, and I'm looking forward to the four months of national service that I have yet to serve. So that I can serve and F off... =)

Self Thought

I'm off to taiwan in 6 hours time. I'm packing up all my emotions, feelings, negative thoughts together in the bag, and hopefully I will come back home to be a better man. I figured out that I will be entering a phase of depression when I come back home in two weeks time. I'm not being an extremist though. There are things in my life that truly makes me happy but it's not enough to fill up the emptiness in within me. In fact, I lost myself too; my confidence, my dreams about the future, my envisions, my ambitions, and anything that transformed me from a happy go lucky guy to what I am today.

I will, and I must find that the spirit in within me. That guy who once love his life so much.

COUNTDOWN

Yup! Countdown to the last paper of my entire university life.
9 fucking hours to go but I'm not going to study anymore!!!
Haha, not because I'm confident about myself, but becoz I gave up. -_-"

I reckon Hormones and Health will be the same as Cardio last sem. Sigh.
Grade B- will be expected, Grade B+ will be a bonus.
Grade B means history is going to repeat. Arghhh.

And the library is damn quiet these days.
Most people I know have finished their exams!
I guess the only other two biomedical science students who study in library today were Kaiting and the studious guy who carry a purple crumpler bag!!!
Haha, yeah. It was that pathetic.

9 more hours and that's it. =)

Taiwan here I come!!! Please, B+ please!!!!!!!

Last Run

Hello blog, I can't sleep now cause I slept too much since Tuesday afternoon. I guess I had slept more than twenty five hours within these two days. It's been a super hectic week and i'm glad it's all over. Exam is finishing before I started to panick, and soon the summer holiday will arrive. I'm welcoming Taiwan with my two arms open. I wanna eat my 炸鸡排，珍珠奶茶， 鲁肉饭， 麻辣火锅!!!

But then again. I don't know what to do when I come back from Taiwan. I will get my results which I got a feeling is fucking screwed (worst of all semesters due to my nicely arranged timetable).

I will go back to army to serve that fucking four months.

I will go for the convocation ceremony which is something my folks will look forward to. At least I have fufill the "promise" I've made to Dad three years ago, for continue my stay in NUS if I pass my Organic Chemistry... Damn, and I did passed! Things might be so different now if only I failed that tragic paper. I might be in Australia studying marine biology and ecology at the University of Queensland, or in Canada studying Biotechnology at University of British Columbia, and the list goes on with reference to those acceptance letters that are still in my drawer. I have no regrets though, that's life. At least I learnt quite alot in NUS... Not in the bad way which I kept wincing all these three years, but rather in a realistic manner... As in I learnt how to be more realistic, more competitive, and more independent. I met many acquaintances, and some true friends. I have my share of fun, and sorrows. But still, I miss those type of big group bonding back in poly days, whereby everyone in the tutorial group feel close as one. University is too independent for someone like me. Haha.

I have packed most of my notes (except Hormones and Health which I will be having the paper next fri). I have sell all my notes to the newspaper collector except this semester one (in case I fail).

I will keep my pencilbox in some drawers until maybe Little Bryce know how to scribble. Then I can pass all my colourful markers, highlighters, and pens to him. I'm surprised by the number of stationaries I have collected these three years. Is like "Wow(!), Sean, u spend at least a hundred dollars on those stuffs!!!" I can't really study with black and white notes la, I will just sleep.

Then I don't know what's next. Try to get a job? Go for Masters as planned? I feel like going to do a year of volunteer work in Africa after Butt has aspired me. It's so random though. Haha.

Maybe I will get some aspiration in Taiwan......

Till then.

Sigh.